When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
