Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
He shit in the fireplace
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
