I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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