we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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