Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
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