need another drink. this is the easiest way
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
