i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
