maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Randomize
