Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
