I hate your face
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
