I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
