Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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