I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
