I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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