I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
