When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
My vagina is very pro this idea
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
