ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
