I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
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