ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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