He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
