What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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