nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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