I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
