Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
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Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
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While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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