Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
