There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
