Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
