You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
