I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
