Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
