i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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