You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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