So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
