im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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