i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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