I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I wish you could order shots online.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
