20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
