Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Randomize
