census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Randomize
