he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
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