SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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