there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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