Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
