Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
