Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
