Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
