If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
