Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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