My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
