I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
