ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
