if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
