She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
