I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
