I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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