my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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