I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
