Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
