she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
